after three years!
penned at 03:07 PM

Hello? Are any of my friends here still blogging?

Give me a shout!

I'm thinking of giving this site its much needed revival.

{burning candle-light reading while listening to }

I feel

1 dropped by for coffee

Happy 1/3 anniversary! hehe
penned at 12:21 AM

This morning, seated on one of the stone benches overlooking the Sunken Garden, I tried to recall if there ever was a time - prior to today - that Joe and I didn't spend our mensversary together.  (Let's not go to that whole "mensversary-is-more-appropriate" speech, shall we?)  Honestly I can't remember any instance of that kind - a really good thing, I know.  The downside is I got depressed (since I am not used to him not being around) and I started wailing like crazy and unabashedly.  I did manage to calm myself but a few minutes later, in an astonishingly stupid move, I decided to use up my load in a single call.  (I consider it stupid because I realized afterwards that it could've been better if I walked to the nearest payphone and used my phone card instead.)  Despite the fact, though, that the call consisted at most of three sentences from each of us, I actually felt quite happy afterwards.  Perhaps it's one of those cheesy things you can't help but experience when it's someone you love who's involved.  In my case, the negativity that normally clouds over me every waking moment diminishes the very instant that I hear his "hello".  I'm not kidding.  Joe has this calming effect on me.  When I'm with him, when I hear his voice, I feel (and I know I am) secure.

So on with the story.  After that endorphin-awakening call I decided to still celebrate even though he's not with me.  I boarded an SM-bound jeep and I had lunch at Kenny, which is where we had lunch on our first date, way before we got together.  Then I trooped to the nearest phone booth and called him up (using my phone card, of course) again.  After a good fifteen minutes, and after I made him promise that he'll finish painting the grills (or the gate - whatever) today and that he'll text me come evening whatever the circumstances are, I searched for a book-and-magazine-selling shop and bought the latest issue of Cosmo before finally settling at Starbucks to complete the whole reminiscing-the-first-date drama.  (Of course at that time I spent the time at Starbucks talking to him and not reading a magazine, much more Cosmo.)  An hour or so later, with nothing better to do, I decided to go home.  On my way home (I chose the UP-Katipunan-Cubao route I so often take with Joe) I bumped into a friend and we talked for at least an hour.  I reached home at past eight in the evening.

It was not a really really happy day, I have to admit.  The fact that the person you're supposed to be celebrating with is absent is enough to dampen your (and anybody else's) spirit.  However, there is a difference between absence brought about by sheer indifference and insensitivity and one resulting from a play of instances.  For the record, I know if circumstances permitted it, Joe could've been with me the whole day.  And that thought is enough for me. 

{burning candle-light reading Go Beerkada (hehe) while listening to mushy love songs}

I feel happy.

2 dropped by for coffee

arcade
penned at 02:35 AM

I was never an arcade-goer.  It's not a regular thing or an alternative to a boring day.  I go there when I have to - say, when my younger cousins need someone -older- to serve as their guardian (in the eyes of the reeeal adults, moi excluded).  Thus I pleasantly surprised myself yesterday (hey it's early, early morning) --> I spent a considerable amount of time and money in Timezone! Happy!!!  Joe and I played Time Crisis again and again and again.  And we had a go on the percussion master twice (I suck!).  And we blasted low-tech zombies and freaky dinosaurs.  And he beat me in Air Hockey 6-0 hahaha.  And then there was this no-brainer game where you can use one finger and still earn power tickets -- all you have to do is catch fish.  I caught a lot of fish, hahaha!  Beside that there was this shooting game and Joe was soooo good at it.  I'd have to say, my boyfriend knows how to use a gun.  Hehe.  He beat the enemy too in that sniper game like I'd beat anyone in smart-assing.  Kidding.  As for moi, I'd rather have the machine or the shot gun when blasting the enemy in Time Crisis because then I won't have to pull the trigger that often.  Actually grenades are my weapon of choice (evil evil!).  I can hide and hide and hide and just pop and throw the big one at them and they'll blow up.  "I'll blow you up to smithereens!!! Hahahahaha!" Then bits of them will scatter like chicken feathers after a particularly messy cockfight.  Ooooh.  Gorry.

Basta.  It was a blast.  Yesterday is one of the best days I've ever had.  Ever.  I can't wait to go back and reload our card.  Hoowee!  Days like that should be experienced more often, especially now.

{burning candle-light reading ... while listening to ...}

I feel happy-sad.

2 dropped by for coffee

...
penned at 08:11 PM

There are some things that have to be made known and some things that should be shushed.  For instance, that I miss an estranged friend is a harmless statement.  But to say who the person is, that is something else.  I do believe I've earned people along the way who deserve my attention and my care more than that person does.  It is, however, and I admit, a bit sad that he has totally dissociated himself from me.  I know, I know -- I shouldn't bother.  He has been missing for so long a time that he's not worth even this space in my journal.  But then again, moments like this - when you suddenly miss people - cannot be avoided.

I just wish he's happy right now, wherever he is and however he chooses to spend life outside college.

{burning candle-light reading ... while listening to ...}

I feel ...

care for a cup of coffee?

penned at 12:47 AM

Preface to a Twenty-Volume Suicide Note (excerpts) Imamu Amiri Baraka

Lately, I’ve become accustomed to the way
The ground opens up and envelops me
Each time I go out to walk the dog.
Or the broad-edged silly music the wind
Makes when I run for a bus –

Things have come to that.

And now, each night I count the stars
And each night I get the same number.
And when they will not come to be counted
I count the holes they leave.



Lady Lazarus (excerpts)Sylvia Plath

Dying
Is an art, like everything else.
I do it exceptionally well.


{burning candle-light reading ... while listening to ...}

I feel ...

2 dropped by for coffee

Hills Like White Elephants
penned at 12:38 AM

Hills like White Elephants (excerpts)
Ernest Hemingway

 

                “It’s really an awfully simple operation, Jig,” the man said.  “It’s not really an operation at all.”
                The girl did not say anything.
                “I’ll go with you and I’ll stay with you all the time.  They just let the air in and then it’s all perfectly natural.”
                “Then what will we do afterward?”
                “We’ll be fine afterward.  Just like we were before.”
                “What makes you think so?”
                “That’s the only thing that bothers us.  It’s the only thing that’s made us unhappy.”
                “And you think then we’ll be all right and happy.”
                “Well,” the man said, “if you don’t want to you don’t have to.  I wouldn’t have you do it if you didn’t want to.  But I know it’s perfectly simple.”
                “And you really want to?”
                “I think it’s the best thing to do.  But I don’t want you to do it if you don’t really want to.”
                “And if I do it you’ll be happy and things will be like they were and you’ll love me?”
                “I love you now.  You know I love you.”
                “I know.  But if I do it, then it will be nice again if I say things are like white elephants, and you’ll like it?”
                “I’ll love it.  I love it now but I just can’t think about it.  You know how I get when I worry.”
                “If I do it you won’t ever worry?”
                “I won’t worry about that because it’s perfectly simple.”
                “Then I’ll do it.  Because I don’t care about me.”
                “What do you mean?”
                “I don’t care about me.”
                “Well, I care about you.”
                “Oh, yes.  But I don’t care about me.  And I’ll do it and then everything will be fine.”


{burning candle-light reading Like Water for Chocolate (again) while listening to buddy Vince's songs}

I feel ...

care for a cup of coffee?

...
penned at 12:22 AM

I am a bit heartbroken.  I won't elaborate.  Suffice it to say, I'm considering the possiility that I am, in fact, hurting myself by being too ... hopeful?  Hell I don't know what the proper term is.  One thing I'd like to make clear, though - I am not demanding to be the sun.  But I do cry when I am the only unnamed star in your night sky.  Metaphorically speaking, I don't even know if you wish upon me, and that's a bit sad.  I still love you as much as I did yesterday; perhaps, even more.  I know, too, that you love me.  This is just one of those "little things".

{burning candle-light reading ... while listening to ...}

I feel ...

care for a cup of coffee?

...
penned at 12:00 AM

The sad thing is, what if we are not warranted to plan?  In the first place, we're both just 21 years old, and we aren't out of college just yet.  What if our plans will be likened to mere teenage-fantasy?  What will we do then?

Ah, enough with the dramatic tone for now.  (For now, for now.)  There are a lot more things to be happy about, especially today (err...yesterday):

• I got to eat quesadilla (maraming 'quesa', haha!) from CASAA.  It's been so long since I had one, see.  I had it topped with hot sauce then I bought myself a large glass of Coke light.  Yum! 
• I spent the whole afternoon (plus a little bit of morning and evening) with my honey! Happy!
• I had a cheeseburger that has NO ketchup in it.  That's what I like about Tropical Hut - ketchup-free burger.  Yumyum!
• Joe and I had 7-11 hotdogs for dinner.  I am the ultimate 7-11 addict -- I survived on to-go hotdogs and slurpee's for nearly three years. (I went to the terminal alone then every time I go home.)
• A venue where I can release my "aggression" surfaced out of nowhere.  Hehehe.

{burning candle-light reading ... while listening to ...}

I feel ...

care for a cup of coffee?

...
penned at 06:00 AM

The disparity between morning and night now is more evident than ever.  I still am nocturnal, but I'd have to say, my attitude towards mornings have gotten worse the past week or so.  Cripes.  I am not a morning person, but I am your cheerful early riser.  No matter how late I slept the night before, I'll always, always wake up at 7am, even earlier.  Now I hate mornings.  I just want to sleep in until 11am (or 10:30 because I still have to cook lunch, hehe).  Sigh.  I do not want to start the day cranky. 

***

I consider what's happening now a trial for both of us.  Of course, again, I won't elaborate.  I do believe we'll make it through this dilemma together.  Yes, yes, I know what you're going to say -- it's your problem, not mine.  But then, you have to understand, I want to be involved.  I want to be part of the solution, or better, be the solution.  I want to be there for you.

We're happy, yes.  But still.

{burning candle-light reading ... while listening to ...}

I feel ...

care for a cup of coffee?